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No Matter What A play devised and performed by Gerry Flanagan and Rick
Zoltowski

Never seen a grown man dressed as a positively charged particle ‘making
matter’ with another man dressed as a negatively charged particle? What
a dull life you must have lived. Never seen the history of the Universe
performed through the top half of a door, in the style of Punch and Judy
but with the aid of sparklers, balloons on sticks and homemade sound effects?
Well, now is your big chance.

In a lunatic evening of slapstick, mime, puppetry and improvisation,
Gerry Flanagan and Rick Zoltowski – two actors with a terminal addiction
to science books – take their audience on a whistle-stop tour of the absurdities
of the quantum world and anything else that takes their fancy. In the front
row at the Battersea Arts Centre, a woman nearly fell off her seat laughing
and had to be resuscitated by her friend. There was a similar reaction from
a six-year-old sitting in the back row with his parents.

This is an evening of audience participation so be prepared. When Flanagan
and Zoltowski don a single white coat and become a two-headed oracle, you
will be goaded into asking questions about the meaning of life and so on.
Ad-libbing alternate words, they came up with pearls such as ‘Beyond the
grave lies a condition called baldness’ and ‘I have played football with
God. He has big feet’. Don’t ask me the questions that prompted these answers.
It was all too much of a whirl for me.

You will also have to participate when Flanagan walks into the audience
as a negatively charged particle and asks: ‘Are you negative or positive?’
Say ‘positive’ and an inane grin spreads across his face as he embraces
you and utters what must be the most corny chat-up line: ‘I am attracted
to you. Let’s make matter.’ Say you’re negative and you will have Zoltowski
to fight off instead.

This all proved too much for the six-year-old in the back row, who nearly
burst into tears and had to comforted by his parents. Of course, if he had
any sense he would have said he was electrically neutral – or called a social
worker and said he was being molested.

After 80 minutes, all this madness comes to an abrupt end. My verdict:
entertaining but lacking a little coherence.

No Matter What will be performed at the Edinburgh Festival until 4 September.
Daily performances at 12.30 at Gilded Balloon, The Cowgate. Box office 031-226-2151.