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Good old Department of Trade and Industry, right in there fighting the
corner of British enterprise. Never ones to neglect an opportunity to open
up new markets for British technology, when officials at the department
heard that buyers from Walt Disney Attractions are coming to Britain in
July, they responded with alacrity.

‘Wake up to the wonderful world of selling UK products to Disney,’ was the
call put out by trade minister Richard Needham to all British firms, large
and small. ‘Here is a tremendous opportunity for British companies to break
into this market, as Disney are keen to buy authentic British-made
products,’ he enthused.

What sort of products, exactly? Computer-generated special effects for
Disney films, perhaps? Linear electric motors for rides in Disney theme
parks? The latest in smart materials so that Mickey Mouse can change colour
as he walks through the crowds?

Well, not quite. Disney’s buyers, the DTI tells us, ‘have been attracted to
Britain because of its wide range of ‘traditional’ giftware. In particular,
they will be looking for pub paraphernalia such as pub glasses, mats and
³Ù´Ç·É±ð±ô²õ.’

* * *

A small round of applause, if you please, for Tim Walker – Labour man,
research assistant to the party’s science spokesman Lewis Moonie, and the
only man on Earth who claims to have read all the 230 submissions which the
Office of Science and Technology received on the White Paper.

* * *

Our column of 24 April mentioned the ‘Sellafield syndrome’ of renaming
nuclear facilities to ‘reduce previous embarrassment’. Now we learn that
this is not a purely British phenomenon.

In the US, several of the Department of Energy’s polluted nuclear weapons
plants have been renamed in recent years. The now closed Feed Materials
Production Center in Fernald, Ohio (which processed uranium for over 30
years) has been happily renamed the Fernald Environmental Management
Project. And the Nevada nuclear test site, the largest radioactive
wasteland in North America, now rejoices in the name of the National
Environmental Research Park.

The clever thing about these names is not just that they improve the image,
but that they stand a good chance of winning continued funding from
Congress – which is much happier authorising spending on new environmental
research parks than on old nuclear weapons plants.

It won’t be long, you can be sure, before the British take up this idea, and
Sellafield changes its name yet again to the Cumbrian Environmental
Improvement Scheme.

* * *

Now here’s an attractive invitation from a PR company: ‘I am writing to
inform you of a photo call opportunity related to our athlete’s foot
awareness programme.’

What fun we journalists have.

* * *

Feedback enjoyed this quote from Testing Testing: Social Consequences of the
Examined Life, a new book by F. Allan Hanson (University of California
Press). ‘One effort to enumerate mental tests currently in use (in the US) –
Richard Sweetland and David Keyser’s Tests: A Com- prehensive Reference for
Assessment in Psychology, Education and Business – contains over 3000
entries. In addition to the well-known personality and aptitude tests,
these include instruments such as the Seeking of Noetic Goals Test (SONG,
a test that measures the strength of motivation to find meaning in life),
the Thanometer (which measures awareness and acceptance of death; another by
the same author is called Coitometer), the Bank Personnel Selection
Inventory, and the awesome Megatest (which measures very high levels of
intelligence in adults when ‘ordinary intelligence tests lack sufficient
³¦±ð¾±±ô¾±²Ô²µ²õ’).’

Fascinating. But may we ask what exactly the Coitometer measures? And do
bank personnel have to take this one too, once they’ve got through the BPSI?

* * *

If only life was really like this. BT is dreaming of a new home order,
in which – to quote from a briefing from its Martlesham Health laboratories
– ‘if the washing machine goes wrong, it will automatically phone the
service technician, specify the problem and get a quote for repairs. If the
quote is acceptable, the washing machine will arrange for the technician to
call with the correct new part. The owner will be phoned at work, will be
able to let the technician into the house and via the videophone watch the
technician make the repair while the home video recorder monitors the
technician’s movements. On completion of the work, the washing machine
checks itself and contacts the electricity company to find out when the next
cheap rate electricity is available.’

Hmm. Anyone familiar with the real world will know that the scenario would
actually transpire more like this: ‘Service technician’s phone engaged all
day. Other quotes excessive but water pouring onto floor requires fixing.
Technician arrives but not at time specified. Owner, at work, forgets PIN
code that would open automatic door to let technician in. Eventually
remembers it. Door sticks, technician has to force it – door breaks and
tries to ring owner but gets busy signal because owner is trying to watch
washing machine technician on videophone. Washing machine technician has
correct part but made for Continental voltage. Home video recorder, instead
of monitoring technician, records Neighbours. Technician goes. Owner hangs
up. Washing machine and door tussle to make phone calls. Owner comes home to
huge bill from BT for phone calls made by washing machine and door to what
turn out to be teenage chatline numbers.’

Yes, the brave new world is on the way.