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FULL marks to the Mathematical Intelligencer, which has managed to breathe
some life into what is often regarded as a dry subject by including a ‘Personal
Column’ in its issue for autumn last year.

If you’re a lonely, funny, sincere cat lover who likes long walks, hot
chocolate and Hilbert’s 10th problem, and you’re looking for a no-strings
relationship, then look up the box number in Mathematical Intelligencer,
vol 11, no 4, 1989, and you may find your soul mate. No photos necessary
– just send preprints.

If that doesn’t appeal, how about a 30-year-old Lebesgue lookalike,
who is apparently seeking an attractive, affectionate, 24- to 34-year-old
nonsmoking analyst for casual integration; measurements are not important.
And a 35-year-old Gemini, a new-age topologist, seeks a warm vector bundle
for harmonic convergence.

Until we saw the column, we thought that mathematicians were people
who preferred working with numbers rather than figures, but now we know
different. And we’ll be scanning future issues of the journal eagerly to
see whether any correspondent can add a new twist to that hitherto unchallenged
aspect of number theory, namely two’s company three’s a crowd.

* * *

IN AMSTERDAM recently, for a conference, we took a boat trip along one
of the city’s lovely canals. We were impressed by the avenues of trees.
Those are Dutch elms, the guide explained – the only trees which can be
planted, as their roots go round objects and, unlike the roots of other
trees, don’t damage the canal walls. But what about Dutch elm disease, we
inquired? Why do the trees look so healthy? ‘There’s no Dutch elm disease
here in Holland,’ the guide replied huffily, leaving Feedback, for once,
lost for words.

* * *

FOR really high quality newspeak it is hard to beat that most Orwellian
of British ministries, the Department of Transport – and its hangers on.
This example comes from consultants who were working on the plans to build
a network of motorways through London (the proposals were abandoned earlier
this year after a massive public outcry). In last month’s Landscape Design
the designers write of their now frustrated concrete dream: ‘The new roads
put forward should not be seen as additional roads, but as roads which replace
an existing inappropriate network.’

* * *

THE Kodak company is trying to make a name for itself in areas other
than photography. For the past couple of years, Kodak has been pushing a
document management system called KIMS, which transfers text from paper
to an optical disc under the control of a desk-top personal computer. Recently,
Kodak did a mail shot, sending associations a sample optical disc which
could ‘revolutionise your space consumer paper filing’. The disc, said Kodak,
‘looks like an ordinary domestic compact disc (but) in fact it is a simulated
version of something much more significant’.

We looked at the dummy and felt that it indeed looked like an ordinary
domestic compact disc, with the addition of printed markings in blue ink
near the centre, to obscure the vital digital table of contents on which
every CD relies. So we tried the old trick of cleaning off the ink with
some Duraglit metal polish.

Sure enough, the ink disappeared, and the disc played happily on a domestic
CD player. It turned out to contain more than 75 minutes of classical music.
We can only conclude that, in preparing the dummies, Kodak got hold of a
batch of reject music CDs and overprinted them with an advertising message.
Moral: the next time you get sent a CD dressed up as an advertisement, don’t
throw it away. Get out the metal polish and you may find some music beneath.

* * *

IT’S too silly really. The Guardian reported last week that manufacturers
of ‘natural’ medicines were unhappy about a High Court ruling which could
lead to higher licensing fees for their products. And who was adjudicating?
Mr Justice Pill.