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I MUST send off for a couple of Kiva Lamps as soon as I can save up
enough ‘#s’. You see, I’ve had this utterly fantastic brochure in the post
from a concern intriguingly calling itself Kimo’s International Pool which
lives in Preston. It not only promises me abundant health and happiness
but also reveals a number of startling facts about the natural world of
which I had previously (I’m ashamed to admit) been utterly unaware, despite
a long lifetime devoted to probing and endeavouring to comprehend the mysteries
of the body beautiful.

Kimo (which I take to be the name of the proprietor of the aforementioned
International Pool) is the sort of entrepreneur I admire. So many business
people these days appear to be hard-nosed creatures with no higher purpose
in life than raking in the spondulicks as rapidly as may be, don’t you think?
But dear old Kimo is clearly cast in a different mould, being imbued with
a love of culture. Witness the following wondrous sample of inspirational
verse which graces the front of his leaflet below a sketch of what looks
like one of your common or garden fluorescent tubes (but don’t be deceived
– it’s a Kiva Lamp):

Light is the Source of Life for All It is Winter Spring Summer &
Fall It’s Clean, It’s Safe It will Balance Your Place Light is Needed for
Work or Play Without it We Would All Lose our Day

Reading that felicitous and moving statement of an eternal truth, which
I had scarcely bothered to ponder before seeing it expressed in such compelling
yet lambent terms, put me in an appropriate frame of mind for the reception
of the amazing information that was revealed when I turned over the page.

Kimo told me that ‘Your food and water are the true key to better health.’
Well, I did know that clean water and a decent diet are helpful allies in
the struggle for survival, but what I didn’t know was that the light treatment
of these staves of life before they are ingested makes all the difference
to their worth.

Thus ‘With the use of a Kiva Lamp which alters the acid and alkaline
base, food moves closer to what mother nature originally intended. The body
then knows what to do with food and breaks it down for digestion, where
by, we get all the nutrition and vitimans needed.’ (I haven’t presumed to
interfere with the Master’s syntax or spelling.) ‘Water is restructed making
the molecules of water close to the same structure as a cell within human,
animal, fowl and fish. Restructured water carries the elctrolytes needed
for the nerves and for blood, providing energy. The light also activates
the H₂02 (Hydrogen Peroxide) found in all water of the world
to help clean your teeth and clean up plack in the blood vessels.’

Anyway, and in view of the above related truths, all you have to do
in order to enjoy ‘a cleaner environment and stronger body, healthier children
and pets, better plants, and a cleaner house’ is to install a Kiva Lamp
in the kitchen, which provides ‘a balanced spectrum of light in the visible
range’. But I think I’ll go the whole hog and put one in the loo as well.

The trouble is that I don’t quite know how to pay for them. The order
form notes the price of a 48-inch Kiva Lamp at 100#. What is a ‘#’? A pound
sterling? An American dollar? An ECU? I just don’t know, and I’m worried
because of a suspicion that I may not have enough ‘#s’ in my bank account.

I can find out. The leaflet invites anybody needing an answer to questions
about the Kiva Light ‘that our distributors world wide can not answer to
your satisfaction’ to ring up or write to ‘KIVA, Inc’ in Albuquerque, New
Mexico.

I think I will give them a ring, by-passing Kimo, who wisely doesn’t
put his telephone number on his leaflet. And while I’m asking Albuquerque
about the nature of the ‘#’, I’ll also inquire how the sales of the Kiva
Lamp are going ‘world wide’. If they say ‘Great!’ I’ll know what to do.

I’ll buy myself a couple of thousand Army-surplus fluorescent tubes,
and flog them at 100# each to citizens who lust for better pets and plants
and children and a cleaner house, and who’ll swallow any old guff they’re
told. And I’ll end up a #-millionaire.

Oh, by the way, I forgot to mention that Kimo’s leaflet arrived in a
package from a charity soliciting funds for a rigorous inves tigation into
all the circumstances affecting the health and wellbeing of pregnant and
pre-pregnant women. A worthy cause indeed. Let there be light.