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EVERY epoch has its fads. This is why I am thinking of opening the Gothenburg
Green Goodies Emporium. It will stock everything you could imagine for today’s
ecologically sound individual. I see it like this.

In the Middle Ages, superstitions ruled and people took the idea of
purgatory very seriously. The problem was that people tended to accumulate
a lot of sins in their life, and their souls were having to hang around
suffering for a long time after death before being admitted to heaven. So
some bright soul invented ‘indulgencies’ – extortionate vouchers that could
be credited against your time in limbo. Hence you could steal your neighbour’s
chickens and not worry about an extra century in purgatory if you fasted
for a few days.

In 1989, we have green consumerism. Market research has shown that most
Europeans are willing to pay 10 per cent extra for ‘environmentally friendly’
goods. Enter the Gothenburg Green Goodies Emporium, which will be situated
in the heart of Scandinavia. Customers will be able to shop in it safe in
the knowledge that they will be doing their bit to compensate for the untold
damage our generation is doing to the environment.

Worried about air pollution in the tropical rainforest? We will have
in stock a chainsaw with full control over gaseous emissions. The manufacturer
has fitted electronic ignition, bunged on an oxidation catalyst and fiddled
with the engine a bit. The result is a low-pollution chainsaw. So next time
you fell a koa or rosewood, you will be able to use a green chainsaw and
forget about the pollution. But don’t forget to use the ‘clean’ lead-free
petrol – you’ll find it in the green pumps.

What about aerosols? We will have all the ozone-friendly types, except
the ones you have to squeeze by hand. Notice the words ‘ozone friendly’
on the green bubble. Before the days of CFCs, the propellants were flammable
hydrocarbons. Now we’ve discovered how ozone-unfriendly CFCs are, some of
our suppliers have gone back to using the flammable propellants.

Scared about chemicals on food? We will have tonnes of organic vegetables.
Buy them from the emporium or from our big allotment – just two stops away
on the tramline. A word of advice, though: don’t put the carton that the
potatoes are packed in on the compost heap, because the polystyrene won’t
rot. The same applies to the ‘environmentally friendly’ labels on the veg:
they are plasticised with a phthalate ester to help them to stick to the
clingfilm.

Are you a green motorist? Then your car will already be fitted with
a catalytic converter. Recently, some manufacturers have started supplying
cars in Europe with ‘Katalysator’ badges so that owners can advertise their
greenness. Even though some of the vehicles have had converters for years,
the Katalysator cars are selling well. (Katalysator cars are not available
in the US, however. Pollution controls there mean that all American cars
are fitted with converters, and a badge would be like advertising that your
car has wheels.) At the Green Goodies Emporium, we intend to cash in on
this trend. As a result of our products, motorists will be able to advertise
their greenness even when they’re not using their cars: the emporium will
be stocking ‘Kat’ earrings and tiepins. For pedestrians, we will have a
T-shirt, made from organically grown cotton, with a picture of a catalytic
converter on it.

Having conducted some market research of my own, I have noticed that
some owners of cars with catalytic converters are still driving too fast.
This tends to negate having a converter, as cars pollute more at speed.
I intend to promote the idea that slow driving is not only good for the
air, but good for the drivers too. I have noticed that the fastest drivers
are young men, so we will be selling a bumper sticker which says ‘Speeding
makes you impotent!’

Do you like music? Together with some of my colleagues, I have spun
out an ecological album, Musik for Ekologie. The cover is recycled cardboard,
with rustic photos of the coast and seabirds covered in oil. Even the tunes
are recycled. If you should find that the Hydrocarbon Hornpipe or The Wind
That Shakes the Polluted Barley aren’t to your taste, then you can safely
throw the record away. It is made from biodegradable plastic.

Is your conversation environmentally sound? All sorts of people mention
the environment these days, so you will be able to buy from the emporium
a copy of our book, Teach Yourself Greenspeak, and hold your own in these
discussions. The book will tell you how to talk authoritatively about reclaiming
slag heaps, or how to advise your neighbours on fitting a flue-gas desulphurisation
unit to their coal fire. It will also teach you how to pronounce ‘Polynucleararomatichydrocarbon’
with confidence, even if you don’t know what it means.

To be honest, I don’t know how long the emporium will be open. I realise
that green consumerism won’t really work until environmentally sound goods
are mandatory, ubiquitous and inexpensive. But until governments and industry
act, the emporium will be there to serve the public – and to make money.

Richard Gould is an environmental scientist working in Sweden.